I will Blog at some point – and why I’m a World Eater

I will Blog soon. I promise. No really. I know I’m a turd when it comes to blogging.

There are explosions outside my window. I don’t know how to deal with that.

On a side note;

Let me start this off with a quick aside; I love Blood Angels. I really do. They are the fallen Greek heroes of all the tragedy plays I loved as a kid made in red and gold. They were among the highest of the high, the best of the best, most wonderful and honorable ever… but then it all went wrong. It went wrong for them in a bad way, and that is where my heart lives on the edge of utter failure and glorious wrathful redemption.

But…

If you’ve read Betrayer by Aaron Dembski-Bowden then you’ll understand both why I like the World Eaters more and also a lot about me as a person. I’m all for chasing redemption and giving two fingers to everyone whilst doing it, but a tragedy still born and a potential unfulfilled, now I’m all over that.

Why am I a World Eater? Because I’m ashamed of everything I am, I can see no great triumphs in my future and I know that my best has already been. I’m hateful, lonely, bitter beyond belief and so emotionally damaged that I’ll never trust a human being in the same way I ever did before. But at the same time I’m happy in my misery. I’m damn near ecstatic at the thought of my own physical or emotional suffering and I shrug off the hate of others like rain.

I love the idea of what I am whilst hating what I will be.

I have very few actual friendships and those that I do have I don’t always trust, thinking its just a matter of time before I am alone again. I don’t trust my own memories of friendship either, thinking that I must have missed something, some clue as to why they all left me. I am certain I could go for weeks without contact and when I eventually show up those I call my friends would just say, oh, its him.

So what I suppose I’m saying is that I’m as bad as a 15 year old girl but I like to think I’m a Space Marine.

And that’s a wonderful thing to know about yourself. I’d love it if I wasn’t ashamed of it.

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